| 
I have always avoided talking about my life for the reason that it may sound mundane, but when faced with matters of life and death of a loved one, I am forced to confront the big, befuddling question that has been nagging at me for the past twenty years- what do I want with my life? To quote from American Beauty, 'there is nothing worse in this world than being ordinary'. At first glance, this may be the most superficial and childish thing to say when over ninety-nine percent of breathing men out there are leading ordinary lives, but is this what they really want? I mean, really. Can we live with the reality that we are just a nobody in history? I don't seek to change the world like Mao and Hitler, or be so crazily obsessed about letting the world know about me like Paris Hilton, but is there something, be it good or bad, that I can be remembered for after I depart from this mortal realm? When I was a kid, I had always been average. I was never the teacher's pet, but I understood my role as a student; I was never the most popular classmate, but I had a few good friends; I was never an over-achiever, but I was contented. When I started to get sick of always being average, I have no idea, but there was something about being just a number in a class, a name in a team, and a face in the world that bothered me. I guess that explains my personality a bit- I live for attention. Being on stage as a performer, whether in speech or in an advertisement, gives me all the attention that I need and believe it or not, I feel most comfortable being there. I admit that I did some of those things to impress, but my gut tells me it is a lifestyle I've been looking for. This is the chance for me to really become somebody. Grandma's dying. Each time I visit, I'd ask myself if she's contented with her life. With her family around her, she may now be the happiest person on this planet to pass away, and I'd say she is definitelty somebody to her family. She has made a difference, at least to my life, and I am grateful, but what saddens me most is she can't witness me treading her footsteps from being a nobody to a somebody. 
|
